H

1. (n) An event in which an attractive woman lavishes attention and clippers about one’s head in order that others may compliment you; often by free, hairy la-la-pops

SEE ALSO: BARBER

1. (n) A mountain, except either smaller or bigger, I forget which.

SEE ALSO: MOUNTAIN

1. (n) Innate spork located conveniently at the end of one’s arms

1. (n) Proclamation used to get someone’s attention, usually for no good reason

1. (n) Glycemic stomach flu with brief mood disorder experienced religiously on Easter as well as the day following St. Patrick’s, Christmas Eve, Halloween and birthdays. The cause of this illness is a medical mystery 2. (n) What parents have after a night of not hanging out with kids, typically about 9-months before the arrival of a new sibling

SEE ALSO: HALLOWEEN

1. (n) Day of the year when it’s socially acceptable to dress as anything you like, at outrageous cost, in hopes of luring handfuls of candy — that you’ll probably never be allowed to eat — from strangers. It is arguably the best day of the year

1. (n) The mashed potato forest located atop one’s head 2. (n) An unfair fight handle 3. (n) Irritating and itchy drapes across the eyes 4. (n) The most secure place to store your gum until morning 5. (n) Mop top in need of a professional cut, from time to time at tremendous expense to both the wallet and the head

1. (n) Place where the heart is, as noted by the presence of all my toys 2. (n) A dirty plate found at baseball parks

1. (n) The emotion experienced when one is not on the verge of tears 2. (n) The trade name of McMeals defined by their festive box, promotional toy, deliciously fat-fried chicken and fantastically greasy French fries encrusted with salt

SEE ALSO: CHICKEN NUGGETS

1. (n) Where the heart is, also my toys

SEE ALSO: TOY

1. (n) Where the heart isn’t 2. (v) Having nowhere to hang your hat

1. (v) An action taken by children to assist parents in an assortment of chores that make 1-hour tasks require only perhaps three or four hour SYN: HINDER

1. (n) Second most gourmet of all the meats. Despite its name, it’s also tasty served cold

SEE ALSO: BOLOGNA

1. (n) A decidedly non-violent crime enacted against random stuffed animals and human legs with shame and embarrassment, but zero understanding. Typically enacted by puppies and dogs, though not exclusively

1. (n) A toy or article of clothing I swear I saw on my older brother if it weren’t for my terrible lack of object permanence 2. (n) New items only described with “quotation marks”, i.e., “Here is your ‘new’ jacket.” 3. (v) The verbal request by toddlers to be released from human captivity

1. (n) A fine reason to carry on as if it’s the end of the world 2. (n) Excuse to partake of somebody else’s food without request, regret or apology

1. (n) Anything you can put on your head, such as a baseball cap, wrestling mask, motorcycle helmet, laundry basket or mashed potatoes

1. (n) Things that happened prior to a day ago 2. (n) A cable television channel

SEE ALSO: TV

1. (n) Any meal us kids rarely finish, and which causes mostly sadness since we mostly don’t get to have it, let alone the single-use toys that often come with it

1. (n) Intra-familial Pavlovian conditioning. It’s a thing that, according to parents, one should “don’t” it to their siblings

1. (n) The best cut of beef available, often offered in forms prefixed with “Mc” or dished up at home in an assortment of Helper and/or Taco Night majesty 2. (n) A toddler presumably from Hamburg, Germany although I’ve certainly never met one

1. (n) For horses 2. (n) Subject of namesake hay-rides 3. (n) Fever inducing allergen 4. (n) Itchy stuff

1. (n) A device utilized by adults to drown out noisemaking children, as well as teenagers to drown out parents 2. (n) A musical listening device that makes wearers talk really, really loud