Definitions of ‘M’ Words

1. (n) My brothers, parents, teachers, doctors and dentists when they don’t let me have my way, toys and candy

SEE ALSO: CANDY

1. (v) The intention and action of someone who is being mean, often while failing to express whatever it is they are trying to get across

1. (n) The untimely demise of popsicles, ice cream and juice bars 2. (adj) How us kids feel on especially hot days until the sun goes down

SEE ALSO: POPSICLE

1. (n) Unfortunate disaster likely caused by friends, strangers, brothers, a hurricane or other natural disaster and/or act of God, but never, ever by me 2. (n) An odor-releasing substance mysteriously appearing in my baby brother’s pants

1. (n) Device used to turn frozen foods to lava, distend the ends of hot dogs or otherwise circumvent dinner

1. (n) The manners of a person who typically prefers their foods bland

1. (n) Sweater worn by rocks in dank climates, presumably to keep warm

1. (n) A gradient of quantity between too much and not enough SYN: GIMME

1. (v) Unknown system of measure which kids are still told will be dominant in a few years, much as it was when our grandparents were sold the same line 60-years ago

1. (n) An art medium, often used by glueing uncooked pastas on to construction paper, but it’s equally as good when it’s already pre-cooked in cheesy form and slathered generously upon the canvas of the artist’s own human face

1. (n) A zoo-bound primate that’s both more hairy and more entertaining than a dad, though only slightly (unless of course your dad is Robin Williams)

1. (n) The only form of grownup television that’s both interesting and transfixing, such as Grease, Chicago and the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer 2. (n) What we claim our banging on stuff sounds like, as it’s not sheer chaos it must be musical

1. (n) A hill of 20-foot elevation or more

1. (n) A philosophical word of existential value. Not yes or no, it’s a useless third answer to a simple two-choice question. It’s origin and meaning are completely unknown, though it most typically just means “no”

1. (adj) Everything previously belonging to dad

SEE ALSO: DAD

1. (n) Centrifugal child chucker once found at every American playground now rendered almost completely obsolete by litigation and common sense. Not to be confused with a carousel, which is quite fun and usually much safer in nature

1. (n) Lobster gloves designed to warm without frustrating the wearer nor dresser 2. (n) A white pawed cat

1. (n) Not yours 2. (n) Word used to define ownership of everything in the whole wide world, especially any and everything I want

1. (v) The unkind action of my brothers when I don’t get my way 2. (n) How the parents act when they’re saying I can’t have my way, or that I need to do chores instead of playing

SEE ALSO: CHORES

1. (n) Loose bowels caused by Chinese foods improperly prepared or with excessive spices

1. (n) Delightful pools of dampest mud perfect for jumping into and thrashing about within despite the way that parents hoot and holler about us not supposing to be in them 2. (a) Alluring area of reflective delight located on the outside ground

1. (n) An airborne infection characterized by uncontrollable, rhythmic, full-body spasms

1. (n) Clowny place with simply delicious food, fun toys, a play area second-to-none, and a great intro to heart disease for kids

1. (n) Tricks performed with special words, scantily clad ladies and the snapping of fingers to make the impossible become reality, such as a bland, waxy ice cream topping turning from thick liquid to a tasteless viscous solid, the most popular of which is called Magic Shell

1. (n) A component of the skyscape made of more cheese than any joke I might make about it 2. (n) A pair of cheeks hung out in insult

SEE ALSO: CHEESE

1. (n) Place to go with a boring-quotient only exceeded by not going 2. (n) Public attraction where one is educated and enlightened by osmosis while slumbering away in the stroller 3. (n) Place kids ask to go to, then immediately ask to leave

1. (n) The only time of day when it’s okay to eat ridiculous amounts of syrup as well as small amounts of waffle or pancake 2. (n) The time in which we must put on shoes, coats and shuffle off our house-home sadness in favor of schooly happiness

SEE ALSO: WAFFLES

1. (n) Something for which we daily pray for, to which God always seems to say, “Not yet.” SYN: PONY

1. (n) Window to a Bizarro world 2. (n) Source of near endless entertainment

1. (n) Red shellfish with two claws, one larger than the other, typically found in large tanks at the supermarket or fine restaurants 2. (n) Highly entertaining television garage oddly devoid of its namesake monster 3. (n) A nocturnal creature that eats four-year-old to seven-year-old children, hiding in closets and under beds