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1. (n) The process by which an aging woman decides to trade in 50-80% of the median salary in exchange for looking like a strange, creepy monster, though with admittedly amazing breasts. Despite the cost of botox, many women still choose to look like puffered up fish-faces.

1. (n) A saucy horse 2. (n) A saucy steak sandwich 3. (n) A saucy national league baseball player working in the state of Pennsylvania

SEE ALSO: PONY

1. (n) Something sharp used to cut through a person’s ear, typically an earring or shriek 2. (n) Shiny bits of goodness youngsters love to grab, even though they apparently aren’t supposed to

1. (n) whipped cream topped Frisbee full of baked sugar, sometimes with trace amounts of apple, cherry, pumpkin, or lime

1. (n) Creatures believed to “fly” the day I’m allowed to run with scissors, have second helpings of cake, stay up as late as I want, or watch R-rated movies

SEE ALSO: SCISSORS

1. (n) Pink, snouted hog of coins and other money-type innards

SEE ALSO: MONEY

1. (v) To kick a ball or word far away to a new and comical place. Maybe I’m thinking punt, but the definition is the same either way.

1. (n) A person who plays with words, specifically at top volume using their “outside voice” as if they forgot how their parents raised them. ANT: PUNDAT

1. (n) A wonderful thing to watch happen to meanies 2. (v) A terrible thing to experience yourself, especially when it comes for stuff you didn’t even do 3. (v) Time Out

SEE ALSO: CORNER

1. (n) Nickname for Power Rangers or any other colorful action figure 2. (n) Element parents have over children 3. (n) Lights-on attribute of the home that requires parents to pay money for

1. (n) Two pieces of oblong fruit akin to apples only pudgy around the waist and paler of the skin

1. (n) A toy wrapped in the game of unwrapping, because getting there is half the fun. The other half of fun is still inside, however 2. (n) Two times the fun 3. (n) Period of time meaning now, but whatever that means, since now already passed and I’m dying to get the future here already

1. (n) Child or adult fluent in gibberish who speaks much but rarely actually gets around to meaning anything

1. (adj) Quality of judgment in advance of and leading up to a discipline worthy of trouble 2. (adj) Any person with one or more children

SEE ALSO: TROUBLE

1. (v) The act of dumping one’s cup all over dinner or an unsuspecting sibling 2. (v) Parental action taken to transfer juice from the jug to the mug

SEE ALSO: SIBLINGS

1. (n) A small, slow, quill-covered mammal best known for its prickly Mohawk. It’s called a poinkypine because it’s poinky and people don’t want to get poinked by it

SEE ALSO: PINE CONES

1. (n) An adult, grownup, or parent, i.e., “He’s not an adult, he’s just a half-pint.” 2. (n) The first drink in the evening pre-parents consume in order to conceive of children

SEE ALSO: ADULT

1. (v) A means of getting one’s way when dealing with an amateur toddler 2. (v) Breaking even in a hand of Blackjack

1. (n) Candy found on a stick in frozen form initially, or all over clothes, hands, and furniture thereafter

1. (adj) A word used to describe exceptionally high velocity vomit

1. (n) A kid word meaning, “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” 2. (n) A grown-up term meaning, “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

1. (v) Act of pushing oneself uncomfortably into media credentials and freebies with the application of force

1. (n) A complicated game of hand clapping and slapping that usually dissolves very quickly into smacking one another and laughing. Other hand clapping and slapping games include Patty Cake, as well as Paddy Cake, although Paddy Cake is often played in women’s prisons rather than in school yards and leads to punching and crying so it’s not much fun

1. (n) Virtue reserved for use exclusively by grown-ups though not practiced by anyone

1. (n) A delicious adhesive scented-to-mock version of Froot Loops cereal

SEE ALSO: SUGAR CEREAL

1. (n) Festive gourd 2. (n) A faceless Jack-o-lantern

1. (n) A quantity of ducks numbering more than one but not quite three

SEE ALSO: DUCKS

1. (n) Complimentary party favors left at random outdoors by the Pinecone Tree Fairy. They are fist-sized, lumpy and hard in texture used best for showing and throwing, but not so good when put in the mouth

1. (n) Squishy stepping stone towards slumber 2. (v) To fight for feathers

1. (n) A darker, easier form of crayon; typically forbidden and a ton of fun. It is great at staining indelibly.

SEE ALSO: SHARPIE